


The Space Between Right & Wrong

by at1stsoo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Smut, nonAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 12:50:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10514115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/at1stsoo/pseuds/at1stsoo
Summary: Jongin's leg hurts. So does Kyungsoo's heart.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whinini](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whinini/gifts).



The Space Between Right & Wrong

(Date: early July 2016)

Warnings (which I consider spoilers, but if you're sensitive, highlight to view): NC-17 smut, angst, mentions of infidelity

 

 

The harsh white digits on the bedside clock fill his vision.

 

2:22AM, 16.07.07

 

Kyungsoo realizes he’s been staring at the clock for a while, unsure of when he started being so pathetic that he just watches time tick by slowly. He’s already tucked into bed – just needs to switch off the table lamp to let the dark envelope him and hopefully get some rest.

 

Another day down. Life in general has been okay: plenty of acting projects are on the horizon, the new Exo’rdium tour is about to start, and they’re in the calm before the chaos. So why does it still feel like sometimes… he’s just going through the motions. Counting the days. Waiting for something to give.

 

He sighs and leans over to turn off the lamp when there’s a soft knock. Hesitant enough that Kyungsoo’s not sure if he imagined it or not. He waits. Just as he’s dismissing it as his imagination, another set of knocks ring out, a little more assertively.

 

“Come in?” he calls from the bed.

 

The last person he expects shuffles into the room. “Hi… I um, noticed your light was still on.”

 

Kyungsoo props himself up on an elbow. “Yeah, I was uh, I was just about to turn it off. What’s up?”

 

Jongin stands there in his flannel pajama bottoms and no shirt, tan skin looking smoother than silk in the soft lighting of the room. His hair is mussed, tangled in that signature cowlick of his. Kyungsoo forces his gaze to remain focused on the younger’s face.

 

“I can’t sleep.”

 

“…okay?” Kyungsoo can’t help the way it comes out perplexed. He holds back the words, _‘join the club’_ and tries to decipher what it is Jongin expects him to do with this information. Things have settled into a tense peace between them after several rough months; they’ve finally adjusted to being professional around each other. But one-on-one conversations like this have been skillfully avoided, by both boys.

 

“My leg’s been bothering me,” he whispers quietly, like it’s a secret that no one else can know but Kyungsoo.

 

This causes the elder to sit up in full attention. “Jeez, Jongin, for how long? Have you told the trainers?”

 

“No… I know they’d make me sit out, and I can’t afford to do that. I’ve missed too many concerts and performances in the past year as it is. And we’re just about to start the new tour.”

 

“But you’re risking a more severe injury if you–” Kyungsoo stops his runaway line of scolding and desire to protect the dancer. Swallowing his exasperation, he evens out his voice. “You know what I’m going to say, the advice I’m going to give you. Is there a reason why you wanted to tell me?”

 

“Could you maybe… massage it?” The request starts slowly, followed by a gush of words streaming out in reaction to the elder’s widening eyes. “Only if that’s okay, I tried to do the pressure point thing a dozen times but I couldn’t do it right and my Achilles’ tendon feels so tight it might snap, but I don’t want to impose—”

 

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo cuts off the other’s nervous babbling, giving a small nod of assent and letting out a slow exhale to dispel his own tension. He motions for the dancer to sit on the edge of the bed and then scooches forward until he’s side by side with Jongin. The boy drapes a leg across the elder’s lap.  “This one?” Kyungsoo asks, letting his fingers slide up underneath the flannel pants and probe along the smooth calf.

 

“Yeah,” the younger winces, and Kyungsoo gets to work, squeezing, kneading, and releasing along the tendon at the right points to loosen the tightness. They’re careful not to look at each other, Jongin’s eyes wandering around the room and the elder’s trained on the plaid pattern of the pajamas. Neither attempts conversation. After everything that’s happened and remains unspoken, small talk between them always feels… wrong. The room is so silent that the patter of the numbers flipping on the clock is heard clearly as each minute passes.

 

Kyungsoo concentrates on the task at hand. Pressure, counterpressure. Inviting pain, then relief. Gradually, the calf muscles relax under his skillful fingers. Slipping his hands down the shin and forcing himself to end skin contact once he’s brushing against Jongin’s ankle, Kyungsoo fixes the flannel pant leg and gingerly places the boy’s bare foot down on the floor. He retreats back to the middle of his bed, busying himself with re-establishing his cocoon, and the weight on the bed lifts as Jongin stands.

 

“Thank you,” Jongin’s hushed voice floats over to him as the singer rearranges sheets. The words are tender and feel too nice for Kyungsoo’s liking.

 

“You’re welcome.” The singer covers himself with the faux warmth of the bedding and faces the lamp, still avoiding directly looking at the boy. He waits for Jongin to turn and leave, but the dancer remains there, rocking side to side. Debating.

 

“Can… can I sleep here tonight?”

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes flick up to finally meet Jongin’s. Some things have gone back to ‘normal’ between them, like their ability to share meals around others without being awkward. Share a van ride without the atmosphere turning frigid. But share a bed? Sure, they used to sleep in the same bed all the time when Jongin would get injured, the younger drawing comfort from the elder’s proximity. They _used_ to do a lot of things, though.

 

“Please?” comes the gentle plea. Jongin fiddles with the strings on his pajamas, gaze cast downward as his hair flops down in front, hiding his lashes. “You’re the only one… the only one who really gets it. Who knows how much I _want_ to be working. Everyone else thinks I just get these free breaks and should be ‘grateful’ when an injury happens or some shit.” He lets out an irritated sigh. “I just… I could really use a friend right now, hyung.” The dancer continues to evade eye contact, messing with the clock on the nightstand and looking incredibly vulnerable.

 

Kyungsoo’s will dissolves. Wordlessly, he lifts the comforter up in silent invitation. Jongin watches the motion and then meets his stare, double-checking that he’s interpreting this correctly. The elder tries to keep his face impassive, to not betray the quickening thump of the heart in his rib cage. Jongin recognizes his chance and takes it, sliding under the covers quickly and then reaching back to turn off the lamp.

 

Kyungsoo keeps perfectly still on his side, watching as the younger fumbles around, trying to settle in comfortably. Jongin lays on his back, body close to the elder’s but not touching, only a few centimeters of space between them. The sight is too beautiful, seeing Jongin so close-up, wrapped in Kyungsoo’s own bedsheets. The elder squeezes his eyes shut, avoiding temptation to stroke the raven hair before him.

 

Between the routine exhaustion and self-imposed darkness behind his eyelids, he feels himself slipping toward slumber, the warmth of the man lying next to him and the familiar scent of Jongin lulling him into a peaceful state. As their breathing rhythm falls in sync, Kyungsoo thinks he ought to provide some encouraging words to the troubled boy. “It’s gonna be okay. ‘s gonna get better, and you _will_ be 100% again. Just know your limits, Nini,” he murmurs as he succumbs to the pull of sleep.

 

…which is promptly disrupted as he feels the younger roll and slide backward so that their bodies are fit together, Jongin nestling in as the little spoon.

 

Kyungsoo’s eyes fly open, but he doesn’t move a muscle. His arms are somewhat crushed between his own chest and Jongin’s back, and he has no idea what to do with them. Like he can read his thoughts perfectly, Jongin reaches back to grab the top arm and wrap it across his chest. The younger uncurls the singer’s fingers and lays the palm of Kyungsoo’s hand flat against his ribcage, letting him feel the rapid thrum of the heartbeat underneath.

 

“It still picks up like this. Every time I’m around you.” Jongin whispers the forbidden information under the cover of darkness. “It’s like… it’s like my body refuses to forget you.”

 

Kyungsoo takes a sharp inhale at the confession. His body is also refusing to forget, head bending forward naturally until his nose finds the familiar crook in the base on Jongin’s neck. His shaky exhale wafts warm air over Jongin’s sensitive collarbone area, and the dancer trembles from head to toe. He’s stroking Kyungsoo’s fingers that are now digging into the golden skin of his toned chest, the same tempting chest that was off-limits 10 minutes ago when Jongin first entered the room. Kyungsoo is struggling to think, body just moving on instinct as it curls tighter around the boy he still loves, even as vague red alarms seem to be flashing in the background.

 

They end up holding steady in this position for an indeterminable stretch of time, Kyungsoo clutching at Jongin as though he’s a life preserver and the elder is at risk of drowning in emotions too deep to ever resurface from. The dancer keeps him secured in place, pinning the arm around him with his own. Does it last a few minutes? Half an hour? Kyungsoo can’t tell, solely focused on the wholeness he’s experiencing. They stay so still, like they can freeze time along with them if only they don’t move. Everything is perfect in this suspended moment.

 

The clock numbers flip forward anyway.

 

Suddenly, Kyungsoo’s aware of Jongin’s breath picking up pace. Fingerpads glide along his forearm, a light touch that leaves goosebumps in its wake. The dancer’s feet skate gently atop his own, and Kyungsoo’s nose ends up dragging along the nape of the younger’s neck. Jongin presses his ass backwards as if testing the waters and—yep, Kyungsoo is half-hard. He breaks the quiet with a gasp as the younger repeats the action. Jongin releases a low groan when he feels the bulge start to swell and spins around to face him, nose-to-nose.

 

Deep brown irises lock and drift down to look at full lips, and before Kyungsoo can say anything, Jongin’s mouth is on his, pressing in hard and fast and wet and oh God this is happening.

 

“What…” Kyungsoo pants out harshly as Jongin presses breathy kisses down his jaw and along his Adam’s apple, “what about Kry—” He’s interrupted by the dancer’s insistent lips mashed against his own, quickly followed by a tongue that steals the words and swallows them down so they’re alone in the room together once more and the only names swirling in the air are soft moans of ‘ _Soo’_ and ‘ _Jongin’_ as their bodies press rhythmically against each other.

 

“Just once,” Jongin pleads between wet kisses, a frantic hand sliding down the elder’s side, into the small of his waist as the dancer’s hips grind their clothed erections together. Kyungsoo can taste and feel the desperation in the air, from both of them, as a whimper slips out of his mouth and into Jongin’s. “We can pretend it never happened tomorrow. But please, just tonight, Soo please. I need you.”

 

Is it wrong? Is it wrong to love someone so much that you stop caring about anyone’s feelings but theirs? Even if it means destroying your own sanity? Maybe, but Kyungsoo is already swept up in the raging surge that is his desire for Jongin, to please him in any and every way. So when the younger begs again, Kyungsoo nods, whispering an “okay” as a stray tear leaks out and slides down his cheek.

 

Clothes disappear in an instant, there’s so much urgency for them to reunite in this way.

 

Jongin rolls on top and eagerly makes his way down the elder’s chest, sucking and tonguing at dusky nipples while letting his hanging cock trail along Kyungsoo’s leg. The younger pins open the singer’s thighs and starts to cover the insides of them with love bites that inch progressively higher and higher. A series of slow, wet kisses travel up Kyungsoo’s dick causing him to gasp in pleasure, but then Jongin’s thick lips return to the inside of his knee and the route starts over again. Kyungsoo clutches the pillow under his head with both hands as he tries not to jerk too much from the glorious stimulation. Right now, he wants to be pliant in those tanned hands gripping his thighs apart, wants for Jongin to do as he pleases with his body.

 

He moans watching Jongin nestled between his legs, nuzzling the underside of his ballsack and breathing hot air against his rim. Given the way things are going, the elder thinks for sure Jongin intends on topping. So he’s mildly surprised when he feels lube being dribbled on his own fingers. Jongin moves back up to hover on all fours above him, guiding Kyungsoo’s hand back between the boy’s long legs.

 

“Stretch me good, Soo. It’s—it’s been forever,” Jongin murmurs before leaning down to kiss him deeply. Kyungsoo tentatively drags down the dancer’s crack and presses around the rim a few times before sliding a finger inside and relishing the moan that reverberates through the tongue that’s halfway down his throat. While he marvels at how tight Jongin is, the boy’s words replay in his head. It’s like he was giving him a private reminder: _‘only you’ve been here, no one else.’_

 

On the one hand, Kyungsoo’s so moved by this, he could cry.

 

On the other, maybe he wants Kyungsoo to top because she can’t– fuck, surely Jongin’s not this selfish. But how pathetic does that make Kyungsoo? He can’t even bring himself to care. He’ll gladly let himself be used for this, if it means he gets just a little slice of the past back, however fleeting it might be. No, he won’t think about it, doesn’t want to think at all. Kyungsoo just wants to be in this moment, live in the fairytale, no matter how much it might hurt tomorrow. He shelves all wayward thoughts.

 

With new resolve, Kyungsoo rolls them over so Jongin’s now the one with his back on the mattress. He preps him oh-so-thoroughly and takes his time worshipping every inch of tan skin he can reach with gentle caresses of his lips, starting from his cheek, down his neck, across his pecs, letting his tongue drag down the soft skin between Jongin’s ribs and swirling into his navel before he’s mouthing up his rigid cock and swallowing him whole.

 

It’s heaven, being simultaneously inside Jongin and having Jongin inside of him: his fingers are buried deep in the dancer, coaxing pleasure out of the younger with each stroke, while Jongin’s thrusts into his mouth are steadily growing more desperate along with the boy’s whines. Kyungsoo lets his tongue work continually against the thick cock as it delves deeper and deeper down his throat, and Jongin tastes so good, feels so amazing, that the elder feels he could get off on just the younger’s pleasure. But suddenly, Kyungsoo’s being tugged off and rolled onto his back. The next thing he knows, he feels Jongin’s hand, slicked with lube, pumping his shaft. The dancer’s fingers give special attention to the tip, lingering there to drag around the sensitive organ before squeezing the head, causing Kyungsoo to buck into the touch and curse loudly. “Oh _fuck_ , Jongin.”

 

The younger’s breath is against his neck, peppering kisses along the exposed skin as Kyungsoo throws his head back in ecstasy from the intense handjob. “I’ve missed you so much,” Jongin purrs. “Just let me love you.”

 

And then he’s being slipped inside Jongin’s tight heat. It’s a miracle Kyungsoo doesn’t come in an instant, with the amazing feeling of being wholly connected with the object of all his affections. Between his lover’s words and the way they’re fit together again, it’s almost as if everything is right in the world. Jongin’s body ripples majestically as he rolls his hips back and forth, meeting Kyungsoo’s gentle thrusts in a perfectly synchronized cadence. Their fingers lace together on one side, the elder propping his elbow on the mattress to help Jongin balance as he glides up and down his dick. Kyungsoo’s other hand roams over the younger’s abs, tracing favorite pathways that make the boy above him moan even louder.

 

Jongin tries to speed up, chasing a release that’s just around the bend, but Kyungsoo stubbornly refuses to comply. He doesn’t want it to end. It’s not enough. Now that they’re here, how can he possibly let this moment go?

 

“Soo, Soo, Soo,” Jongin chants his name like a mantra as their eyes meet in the faint moonlight. The pleading is too much – it sweeps the elder up and propels him to crash their lips together. With a hand behind Jongin’s neck, he guides the younger down to him so they can make out while they fuck, letting the pace gradually spiral out of control now. His hips are slamming into the dancer’s ass while he wraps an arm around Jongin’s waist to push him back onto his cock with each thrust. Between feverish kisses, Jongin cries out, and though he can’t see it, Kyungsoo can feel the boy’s release raining down onto his own chest in warm bursts. He keeps his eyes closed as he kisses Jongin more desperately, trying in vain to hold off just a little longer, for just a little more time, but then he feels himself lose the battle as he empties himself with a cry and—

 

Kyungsoo jolts upright with a shiver, panting hard, out of breath. And it takes a moment for him to come back down. To realize why it feels so cold, when he was just inside Jongin’s warmth. To understand why it’s so quiet, when the air had just been full of their rapturous gasps.

 

He’s alone.

 

Alone with nothing but a mess of soiled sheets, an overactive imagination, and a broken heart.

 

Just a dream. It was just a…

 

He flings the comforter back and strips the bed and his body. The stained cloths are shoved roughly into the hamper. New sheets are tucked around the mattress, new boxers tugged up his legs. He sits down on the edge of his bed and runs a hand harshly through his short locks.

 

It’s not the first dream he’s had like that. Kyungsoo wonders what a therapist would make of it: you can’t even properly label these dreams as ‘happy,’ even while he’s in them. Why can’t he escape the sharp edges of reality in his sleep? Shouldn’t his dreams transport them to some make-believe world where they could love without a care? Or to earlier years when they were happy? They were happy at one point, weren’t they? It’s been so long and everything’s been so tainted that Kyungsoo isn’t even sure sometimes.

 

He heaves out a sigh and checks the clock.

 

3:12 AM, 17.04.01

 

It’s been a year of this. A year with lingering dreams (nightmares?), and polite interactions, and facades of happiness when in the public eye. He’d hoped he would have accepted things by now, gotten over the past. True, it’s easier today than it was twelve months ago… but the weight in his chest hasn’t lessened at all. He’s just learned how to live feeling half-suffocated every day.

 

Why can’t he just move on?

 

Maybe Chanyeol’s right. Maybe he should start composing more. He needs some kind of outlet.

 

Knowing he’s too riled up at the moment to sleep, he wanders over to his desk. Flipping open a notebook, he holds the pen over a blank page for a minute. He draws a musical staff and works on laying down a melody he hears in his head. Transposing it from C major down to something more suitable for his vocal range still takes a lot of effort, but he gets it done. The notes look lonely without lyrics below them, though.

 

The pen scratches out words that naturally fall into place. There’s not many, but that’s all he’s got right now. Kyungsoo checks the clock. It’s almost 4. He should go back to bed. Before flicking off his lamp, he looks at the words one more time:

 

 _Unhealthy, maybe_  
_But I can’t help believe._

 _In another place,_  
_In another time,_  
_You’d still_  
_Be_  
_Mine._

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N:

References:

  * Jongin did end up [getting injured](http://www.soompi.com/2016/07/24/exos-kai-re-injures-ankle-concert-unable-perform) at the end of July 2016
  * Soo knows acupressure and gave Nini advice at [Exo’rdium in Manila recently](https://twitter.com/at1stsoo/status/841125921679642624) to help him ease his stomach discomfort, which Nini took to heart and was still using during the acoustic set while lip syncing passionately to Soo’s lines T___T Kaisooooo
  * Chanyeol mentioned that Soo started composing with him back in [a V-live in Oct 2016](https://twitter.com/Melodious_DO/status/791665754307301376?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)



It’s April 1, which means… it’s officially been ONE YEAR since I started writing! Holy cow, hard to believe in some ways, but yes, I wrote the first ch of [Waxing & Waning](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10514802/chapters/23206437) on the night of April 1, 2016 (you know why) and posted it on April 2.

This ch is dedicated to Junxiety for beta'ing some things for me and just all around being an awesome person. She asked for angst, so, here you have it. I worked pretty hard on this chapter so I hope it shows ;_; (Highlight for author obnoxiousness: Soo's lyrics at the end are in the shape of a heart... broken right in the middle.) Talk with me in the comments <3

 

At1stsight/at1stsoo

([Tumblr](http://at1stsoo.tumblr.com) | [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/at1stsoo))

 


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